if it was only you…

If only it was you who took me out tonight, if only you said half of what he said, if only it was you who texted me that night….no,  i don’t want you to fall for me, i don’t you to compliment me like he did, i just want you to feel half of what i feel toward you, maybe then, you will understand why i just want to see you, look at you, and love you…if only i  can stop missing you…if only i can quit thinking about you…

you won’t be mine, wouldn’t you? we are not for each other, aren’t we? but then why i can’t stop loving you? why even when i try to be mean to you…i end up taking care of you…it doesn’t feel right babe, i am the only one getting hurt and that’s not fair…

Therefore, i am giving up on you my dear, it’s just so wrong babe…

if i only had some hope in you..i would have given up everything for you…but you made it clear that it’s not so time to let you go babe…i am letting you goif i only had some hope in you..i would have given up everything for you…but you made it clear that it’s not so time to let you go babe…i am letting you go babe…<3 ❤

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the same

Everything here is the same…

the buildings, the streets and my name

everything but your came

and i am saying it without any shame

because i know i am not the one to blame

i miss you, i miss your games

i  miss the flames

you used to set in my brain

all of those exclaims

and the words that were unclaimed

i admit it was so lame

but what can i say, it’s my heart, it’s untamed

 

 

 

 

 

Last night,

Last night and before the dawn starts showing, I was laying on my bed, collapsed in a corner, hidden under my blanket, trying to get my tears to stop but unfortunately, I couldn’t…i couldn’t sleep …however, i made some midnight decisions and i hope i didn’t mess up because i always regret midnight decisions…….

I decided to finally stop arguing, complaining and empathizing myself because that won’t make me better …i am a heroine and i don’t need to prove it….i am strong enough and won’t cry or regret it….

I accepted the fact that they will never change…never….i don’t need to convince anyone…or to defend myself…let them believe what they want to believe…let them say what they want to say…i don’t need to justify myself to anyone…

i need to be stronger…not that i am weak …never… i know i have a fickle heart and a bitterness ❤

I am hurt…

I am hurt….that’s exactly how I feel at the end of every conversation I have with you, you hurt me with your coldness, you intimidate my dreams and hopes…you push my spirit down to earth ….and you never fail to tear me apart.

you hurt me by underestimating me, by calling me with the worst names ever, by the manipulative destructive sentences you say to me, you kill me softly with every word…

I wish if I can remove you from my life, I wish if I can replace you with others, I wish if I can forget everything you did to me perhaps I will be able to forget that you are the cause of my regrets, my scars, and my anger…i want to love you and miss you but I don’t…no i don’t….

beginnings …

They say there is no such a thing as a happy ending, the ending is the worst part in everything, so give me a happy start and a very good middle…

beginnings are very important they shape the way we perceive things, relationships and people …

Beginnings can be very deceiving though, giving us false hopes, feeding on our optimism and most importantly making us believe in all the beautiful things that we were never able to believe in .However, the colorful walls we built to secure ourselves and our dreams don’t last for too long before it starts scambling into the ground…

in the sand of this desert mind

i try to walk and i try to find

a reason to smile on this lonely night

night to dawn to dawn to night

but no, there is no such light

guiding me to the heaven’s  sight

Hope…

Every morning, the sky starts blurring embracing the whitish light that starts pervading the darkness of the previous night…the light starts permeating forming a very small blur incision … This incision though to be very tiny and unclear it’s the most essential part for the morning to emerge.

This incision recapitulates the meaning and importance of hope in life…

Hope is a four letters word, very small, isn’t it ?? it holds deep conceptual meanings in life. Hope is a weapon for the souls to keep on fighting no matter what happens.

Hope is our green light

 

 

Sometimes…

Sometimes I feel like closing my eyes and never opening them again…to indulge into my own reality…the one I created in my mind…the one I always run to, to forget my bad times…I would close my eyes and hide under my blanket…hold my arms together as if I am hugging my own self…comforting my own heart and trying not to feel the scars, I would relive my day my own way…create my own places, words, and scenes…I would even choose my characters and my circumstances…I would own the stage.

I would smile and laugh to my own imagination…not being afraid of looking crazy…not being afraid of looking anything…I would be taking care of “me”, loving “me” !!

“BELIEVER”

I believe in God, although I don’t see him…I never did…

I chose to believe because I feel that there is a power bigger than me…bigger than all of us realizing an infinite justice in this world…

A justice that makes me so relieved and that’s why I chose to believe…And believing is not related to any other interpretations … believing in god does not mean a set of rules or a set of requirements that you need to fulfill…believing in God is not being a Christian or a Muslim or a jew. Believing is a pure feeling …

Here is what i know: if you are an Athiest, Buddhist, Agnostic, Christian, Jew, Muslim, Hedonist……. belonging to any religious group or none …try to bring the best in you…that’s what any believing/disbelieving ideology tries to do….that’s what it is supposed to do…

i chose to believe to be happy…and your choice whether it’s believing or disbelieving is supposed to make you happy too… it’s supposed to be a guiding green light in your life…..

Only one thing…

Only one thing among everything…one little detail makes me think again about you…because I only miss one thing from all that crazy thing…I miss the colorful pillows and the sofas….the incredible misunderstandings that would make me smile in a second only to shed a tear in the next one…and even after the brief talks and the cold answers…I still say I liked you dangerously…i liked you my lost cause….i truly did

You made me…

You cannot blame me for being me …for being my own self…you made this …you made me…your yelling and your threats…your mistakes…you taught me how to forget the moments only to remember the mistakes…how to lie on you because you won’t understand even if I made it right…you won’t listen…you won’t care…you will only pick up the words you want to hear to misunderstand me…to misjudge me…to feed the fear inside of me…the fear of becoming who i don’t want to be…You…

Congrats on that…but don’t worry…i still see the green light on the edge of the every plan i make…i still see it in my work and my certificates…i will be who i want to be…i will let the green light guide me…